Parenting - 3 Idiots Style

It’s been 25 years since the award winning Bollywood movie 3 Idiots was released and stole all our hearts. We have all been saying ‘All is well’ since then but is all really well?! Have we looked into what that movie teaches about parenting our children the right way? Let’s dive into the different parenting styles to see how we can help our kids deal with exam stress better.

The Virus Parent – Succeed or Die

We all love to hate Headmaster Viru "Virus" Sahasttrabuddhe, both as a parent and a teacher. Virus takes the idea of the "survival of the fittest" to its extreme conclusion, believing that "survival" is limited to achieving academic success.  His son and other students are driven to suicide by his unceasing taunts and unreasonable expectations. Despite being a severe caricature of a "Authoritarian" parent, the sheer volume of student suicide cases raises the question: Was he really that extreme or was he the norm?

An authoritarian parent does not understand their children’s needs. Without taking into account the needs and desires of the kids, they force their own expectations upon them. They impose severe punishments on their kids for disobeying the rules. Children obey these rules out of fear of breaking them, not because they understand why they have been set.

These youngsters are inevitably going to be more likely than other kids to:

•      Experience extreme anxiety and fear of failing;

•      Have low self-esteem in their talents;

•      Act aggressively when a parent figure is not there; and

•      More susceptible to self-harm than other kids.

The Sick Parent – Our Family Depends on You

Though we should all feel sorry for Raju Rastogi's ailing parents, we must also keep in mind that they were unaware of their son's difficulties. They were too preoccupied with their personal problems to realise the kind of financial dependence and pressure they had developed on their son. They gave him the impression that he was responsible for the family’s wellbeing, even though they did not expect him to be the best academically or professionally. He knows they will not be able to offer any advice, thus he could not depend on them for his own emotional turmoil.

A neglectful parent is too involved in their own problems to pay attention to their child’s. They are emotionally distant from their children. They provide little to no supervision or support to their kids. They do not know or have even taken the time to hear their child’s needs.

Children of uninvolved parents usually are,

·      Anxious and stressed due to lack of family support;

·      Fearful and dependent on others;

·      Increased risk of substance abuse; and

·      Emotionally withdrawn.

The Snowplow Parent – I’ll Fix All for You

The actual Ranchoddas Chanchad's father did not mind his son disobeying the rules or failing to learn anything; he also permitted his son to hand over even the most menial tasks to others rather than doing them himself. He even went so far as to designate someone else as his son's college education surrogate because all that mattered to him was that his son have a degree on paper.

A permissive parent is too overbearing and nurturing. Rather than focusing on their responsibilities, they emphasise their children's freedom. More than anything, they want to be viewed as friends. They offer no guidelines, rules, or norms. They do not even carry out the punishments for disobeying the rules that they set. To get their kids to do what they want, they bribe them instead.

Children with permissive parents are:

•      Less successful in life;

•      Capable of making no decisions or making bad ones on their own;

•      Incapable of managing their own time or habits; and

•      More likely to engage in misbehaviour or abuse drugs.

The Proxy Parent – Live Vicariously Through You

In the film, even though Farhan’s dad is aware that his son is more interested in photography, he pushes his son to pursue an engineering degree. He fears that his own social standing among his friends and family may decline if his son decides to drop out of engineering school. Additionally, he feels that his son ought to be different and have access to a solid education and stable finances, as he struggled without both.

A stage parent projects their dreams and aspirations on their children. In addition, they do not want their kids to experience the same setbacks as they experienced, failing to understand that these are life lessons that everyone must learn in order to develop resilience. This is not a deliberate action. The parent truly believes they are acting in their children's best interests. A small portion of these parents also believe that producing successful kids will determine their own level of success.  

Children of these parents will develop:

·      A sense of entitlement;

·      Poor coping mechanisms in daily life;

·      A diminished sense of self or goals;

·      Lack of creativity; and

·      Easily targeted for bullying.

The Leader Parent – Show, Not Tell

While not being depicted as a parent in the film, Rancho "parented" his friends and other people in his life. For him, learning is about more than just doing well in school; it is also about realising how those things relate to everyday life. His personal moral compass is more inclined towards doing good deeds than adhering to the rules. He sets an example for others. He encourages everyone to speak their minds and do what makes them feel good.

An authoritative parent is supportive, nurturing, and responsive. They first explain rules to their kids before enforcing them. Even if they disagree with their children's viewpoint, they nevertheless pay attention to it. They strike a balance between being firm and being flexible when they disagree with their children's decisions. They modify their parenting approach in response to their kids' evolving demands.  

The following traits are common in children of authoritative parents:

·      self-assurance in one's talents;

·      openness to learning new things;

·      emotional control and regulation;

·      good social skills development; and

·      a tendency to accept success and disappointments well.

Even though it might be challenging to always be the perfect, authoritative parent, if parents are aware of their parenting style and how it affects their kids, I am confident we can try to change it for the better. Parenting teenagers can be quite difficult, therefore perhaps the first 12 years of parenting should provide us enough time to prepare our kids and ourselves for these difficult years.

If you want further help with your parenting needs, feel free to reach out to me directly.