Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids

// An abridged version of this was published in Time of India and you can view it here. 

“Don’t cry like a little girl!” – The well-meaning relative’s voice from the other room echoed through the house, stinging like a sudden burn. I rushed to the other room and gently extracted my 10-year-old son aside. My mind was filled with trepidation – would this single phrase undo all the hard work I’d put into helping him understand his emotions? 

That small sentence carries a lot of meaning. It tells boys that,

• Sorrow or pain should be hidden

• Only girls are allowed to show emotions

• Boys are expected to be stoic and tough

Other phrases like ‘Are you a baby?’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ also send similar messages, reinforcing ageist and toxic masculinity norms. 

According to leading psychotherapist Lena Derhally, children who grow up with these beliefs may become:

• Men who struggle to safely express their emotions, possibly causing unhealthy outbursts like anger, anxiety or depression  

• Adults who are unable to understand their own or emotions of others potentially leading to relationship problems

• Individuals may turn to avoidance tactics, such as alcohol or drugs to cope with difficult emotions

Researcher Brownhill concurs with this and says such harmful beliefs manifest as “acting in” behaviours such as avoidance or emotional numbness or “acting out” behaviours such as violence and self-harm. 

How Parents Can Help Boys

Society often portrays “men” as someone who have physical strength, show power, act tough and hide their vulnerabilities. But there are several ways parents can teach their boys that emotions are normal, and necessary, to express themselves. 

At Home

The ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ approach does not work when it comes to emotions. Parents should not only promote healthy conversations about showing emotions, but should also follow them. Talk about your day and the feelings associated with it as a family. Say things like,  “I felt sad when I saw…” or “I am excited to be part of…” etc.  Make emotions part of your regular conversations. 

Consider putting up a ‘Periodic Table of Emotions’ poster or a mood tracker in your child’s room. An emotion periodic table or mood tracker lists different shades of emotions and groups them into a big umbrella. For example, under the umbrella of ‘Happy’ it shows more nuanced emotions such as ‘Hope’, ‘Satisfaction’, ‘Pleasure’, ‘Ecstasy’ etc. 

Zoom in for more details. Thank you Heart It Out for putting this together.

For younger children, try creating a bedtime routine where both of you can share the emotions you felt during the day and why. Encourage your kids to reflect on their day and choose an emotion to talk about. Start only with the basic emotions that they are already aware of. Then gradually introduce new emotions. For example, if your child says ‘I am happy today because I got to eat kheer for lunch’, then you can suggest, ‘Yes dear, you are happy and may be also satisfied’. 

This routine promotes not only good bedtime conversations but a deeper understanding of a wide range of emotions like gratitude, contentment, shame, or jealousy. 

For older children, especially teenagers, who value privacy and may not want to divulge how they feel so openly, let them know that you are available to talk about their emotions without judgment. Make them aware that you won’t question why they feel a certain way, but will guide them to express these emotions in a healthy manner.   

At School

Children spend a significant portion of their time at school and under a teacher’s care. Though as parents we can request schools to include sessions on ‘emotional regulation’, we cannot enforce that they implement the request. 

A more pragmatic approach will be to bring up emotions during Parent Teacher Meetings. Teachers often stick to academic performance or classroom behaviour in these meetings. They may even have gender-specific comments like ‘Your son doesn’t get into fights and plays fair with other kids’ or ‘Your girl is very talkative in class’ etc. 

As a parent, guide the conversation towards your child’s emotional experience at school. Ask specific questions like, ‘Is he happy with his friends?’ or ‘Does he feel sad or left out when he is not chosen to answer?’ etc. 

By focusing on emotions in your questions, you can make the teacher understand that you are not looking only at behaviour, but his feelings. This will not only get you the answer you need but also encourage the teacher to notice these things and support your child’s emotional growth. 

A Quick Side Note For Teachers

Something as simple as starting the class with ‘I am feeling very excited today, as we are starting this new chapter…’ or ‘I am sad that none of you finished your…’ etc. You can even extend it further to ask a few students to share what they are feeling every day. 

If you do not want to put them on the spot, then you can have an emotion jar and students can pick a coloured token representing different emotions to put in the jar. You can also discuss emotions that characters feel in a story. The possibilities are endless. 

With Friends

In the ‘At Home’ and ‘At School’ sections, we have provided ways to encourage emotional understanding for all kids, irrespective of gender. But, when it comes to friendships, gender differences in how and what kind of emotions to show play a larger role. 

For boys, this is a little challenging, especially when the friends circle comes with a different mindset. Showing emotions, especially something that is considered ‘girly’ might subject your boy to bullying. Researchers Epstein et.al. studied children in primary and secondary school environments and noted that boys might be pressured to appear “super-heterosexual’ and ‘macho’ in order to fit in their social circle. 

Therefore, if your child’s friends are not supportive of open emotions, teach your children to balance openness with self-protection. Advise them to find a safe place when they feel overwhelmed with emotion and need time to calm themselves. If the situation is too difficult to handle on their own, ask them to find a trusted adult for help.

For girls, the inverse is true. Girls are “expected” to show emotion more openly, such as laughter or tears. Not showing their emotions freely will also cause them to be termed ‘cold’ or ‘bossy’. If your child does now show her emotion in a visible manner, she might also be subjected to bullying. As an alternative, teach your girls to describe their emotions verbally or artistically (e.g. drawings, writings). For example, while her friends are crying, while watching a really dramatic movie, your child can verbalise her empathy. This will allow her friends to understand that she is going through the same emotions.  

By guiding your children to navigate emotions safely with their friends, we can help them foster their friendships with confidence. 

With Relatives

So… what did I do with the well-meaning relative at the start of this article? I gently explained to them - ‘Thank you for helping me with [insert my son’s name]. I know your advice comes from a good place, but it would be better if you do not compare him to girls or other kids. If it gets too difficult to manage him when he is too emotional, please come find me and I’ll help’. 

You need to pick your battles and letting go of a few battles is also an emotion that one must willingly embrace – for boys and their moms alike. 

And what did I tell my son. I just put on ‘Inside Out’ movie and told him, “See… this movie had not released for [insert relative name] to watch. So, they don’t know the importance of showing the emotion instead of hiding it.”