How to (empathically) confront your client in therapy ?
Confrontation(of any kind) sounds a tad bit scary, doesn’t it? Whether it’s a friend calling you out or a partner/well-wisher pointing something out, our hearts start racing and, quite literally, end up in our hands. Because honestly…who likes being “seen” for who they truly are… especially their behaviour? But in therapy, we’re taught that as future therapists, there will come a time when we’ll have to (empathically) confront our clients. There, I said it 😭. And wow, that’s definitely going to be a tough moment for me. If you’re someone who’s new to these “micro-skills” or just here for the vibes, stick around anyway! So, shall we dive into today’s knowledge drill?
Empathic Confrontationis a micro-skill used by therapists during sessions when a client’s words don’t align with their actions or emotions (i.e., discrepancies in therapy). For example, when a client says they are “okay,” but their body language suggests otherwise. It is also used when clients express mixed or conflicting feelings/messages about their situation or story.
Situations when this skill can be used:
When there is a mismatch or discrepancy between what the client says and how they feel or behave.
When the client becomes defensive about changing behaviours that are clearly harmful to them.
When helping the client challenge negative beliefs or schemas about themselves.
To make this content more relatable and actionable, we’re presenting situations, examples, and practical ways to empathetically confront your clients. Here’s how it would look:
Step 1: Understand your client, their triggers, and the behaviour they want to change.
Imagine your client (X), aged 26, comes to you with a problem of “difficulty in maintaining romantic relationships because they have issues trusting people around them. While taking their case history and building rapport with them, you realise that their triggers are “attachment” and “intimate relationships.
Step 2: Empathize with them and the emotions they are feeling.
Now, this client has pretty much told you everything, but before you are a therapist to them, you are human too! So, in order to truly understand that, make sure you do not offer “fake” or “robotic” empathy to your client, but rather a genuine one. Say whatever comes from your heart!
Step 3: Empathetically confront their behaviour.
After using empathetic statements, gently bring attention back to their behaviours and emotions. Start by reassuring them and making them feel safe and understood. Then, highlight the discrepancy: “On one hand, I see you are trying to avoid relationships, but on the other hand, you also seem to want a genuine connection at this stage in your life.”
Step 4: Stay with them and work through what comes up.
Now that the “elephant in the room” has been addressed, your client (X) may react in different ways. They might begin to accept their behaviour (even if hesitantly), or feel defensive…both are valid. Your role is to stay with them at this moment. Sit with the discomfort, allow space for their reaction, and continue the conversation with care. From here, gently explore what feels manageable…whether that’s small steps toward change or understanding their fears better. Because in the end, it’s not just about confrontation, but about working through it together.
Some of the golden sentences that you can possibly use to empathetically confront your clients in your practice are:
“I see that, on one hand, you feel like… while, on the other hand, your actions seem to say something different.”
“It’s completely valid the way you are feeling, but I would also like us to explore how this might be affecting your experiences.”
“If it’s okay with you, I would gently like to point something out.”
And with that, we come to the end of this blog post. I hope this helps you grow not only as a therapist, but also as a person while learning and applying the right skills. Always remember that “confrontation” as a therapist may sound difficult, but using the right words can create a lasting impact on your clients. And if you want to learn more such skills, do stay tuned to our weekly blog posts. Until then, take care, you lovely human bean!
